Sad.

I am mad at God.

There.  I said it.  It makes me feel very guilty that I feel that way, but it's true.  I am mad.  Why my little girl?  Why would he allow such an innocent beautiful little girl to be afflicted with FPIES - especially one in a family full of cooks and foodies.  It's just not fair. 

I'm not typically one to be mad at the Almighty.  I am a devout Christian.  I did oversees mission work while I was a teenager.  I love going to church.  I love teaching my kids about Jesus and I pray a lot.  I see God in all the little things and he has been amazing to me.  I know he is trying to teach me something and has a purpose for all of this, but for now I would be lying if I said I understood Him in this.  And since I'm continuing with the online confession, I'll admit that I haven't been to church ONCE since this all started.  I've told myself that it's because church + a three year old that refuses to go to the preschool class + a baby that loves to fill silent times with "talking" does not equal a recipe for success.  But I am beginning to wonder on this Sunday morning as I debate the church-or-no argument with myself for another week if there is more to it.  And there is. 

I've told myself lots of things about FPIES and God over the last couple months.  I don't know if any of it is true, but some of it makes me feel better.  I truly believe that her little soul was destined to come to this earth - with all of its problems and insecurities and food issues.  I am HONORED that God chose me to be her mom.  That must mean he trusts me to take care of her and keep her safe and to provide the best I can for her.  I also know that he has a lesson in all of this for me.  When my son was diagnosed with food allergies, I made it my mission to cook as much as possible for him so he could be a "normal" baby/toddler and still enjoy life's goodness.  I learned more about cooking and food and nutrition during that time than all my college heath classes could have taught me.  Now with Cutie Pie, I am learning more about how the body works and even more about food and the importance of going back to the basics than ever before.  Science and Health and nutrition have always intrigued me - so this learning and research has in some way been a twisted pleasure of mine.  I don't understand a lot of it, but I sure enjoy learning! 

But that doesn't change the fact that I am still mad.  Just today a friend of mine on facebook posted how she took her 6 month old niece out for Skyline Chili and gave her a couple bites.  *insert mommy cringe* but more than anything, it just made me sad.  My Cutie Pie may NEVER be able to run through a fast food restaurant.  May NEVER experience the joy that is a Happy Meal.  She will be healthier for it, and she will never know the difference, but I will.  And I'm sad.